Fatherless Father's Day - 5 Tips to Help

What was I to do with this upcoming holiday? How do I handle a day set apart for celebrating “Fathers” when my Father and husband (father of my 3 children) died 8 months apart from each other. I dreaded it. It felt too painful to handle. There are no words to describe this all-encompassing void and yet, I couldn’t avoid it. Reminders were everyone . . . . advertisements for Father’s Day gifts in the mail, on the TV, in shopping malls, radio . . . .special recognition of fathers anticipated at church (to be honest I avoided church on Father’s Day for several years after my husband and father died). 

The first Father’s Day with both of these men out of my life, I came up with the brainy idea to take my 14, 12 and 8 year old on a backpack trip, (first time by myself) . . . . after all, their dad loved to backpack so it would be honoring to him and we could somewhat avoid the “in your face reminders” of our fathers not being present.

With all gear in tow including a back pack stove(our means for cooked food that I had just learned how to use a couple days prior), we set out for a short backpack to Twin Lakes in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This journey of grief I was on was like this back pack trip, I had to learn to do things differently on this adventure called “life”. 

Tip #1  Do things differently  

Of course things are different!  Everything is different. This means to be intentional about doing something different coupled with something familiar. We had been to this same place several times before, but not without their father. It helps to make some plans. It doesn’t have to be as intense as week-end backpack. Maybe this Father’s Day you can intentionally do something different that’s also honoring to your children’s father. 

After arriving at the place where we parked our car, we put the back packs on (heavier than I wanted) . . . a stark reminder that my husband had always carried the bulk of the weight, but not today . . . today we would trudge ahead not knowing what was around the bend but looking for the good. I looked at our 3 children and was  proud  - all decked for the hike, hauling their own heavier than usual backpacks, none the less, ready to go. 

I was doing these things “solo” now and didn’t like it but I had no choice so I plodded ahead one step at a time. Our youngest started to complain about the weight of his pack and wanted someone to carry it for him. Not an option for this trip. My pack was already heavier than it had ever been. Instead I encouraged him to put one foot in front of the other, slow and steady.

Tip #2  Take one step at a time  

The load gets heavy and it feels like you can’t go on, but you have to others (aka children) are depending on you.  We would like the rule book . . . .you know the  the abc’s of how to walk through grief and face days like Father’s Day. Well, it doesn’t exist and even if it did, it would not take away the dread and pain.  I encourage you to take one step at a time, put one foot in front of the other, face one moment as you walk through Father’s Day. 

Walking along the trail, I was struck with a fear of being the only one responsible for these precious children. I had to face this fear to keep from getting paralyzed in my own thoughts. Praying as I walked, I chose to focus on the present beauty around us - dense forest of evergreen trees, colorful wildflowers in the meadow, my brave and beautiful children going on this trip without their daddy. Courageously we trudged along the trail, (luckily it was well marked), we came to the top of the first mountain and were met with the vast beauty of the Sierra Nevada Mountains with snow covered tops. Breath-taking. 

Tip #3  Focus on the present  

There’s a great temptation to live in the past with constant reminders of “how life use to be.” I urge you to look right now . . .  yes this very moment  . .  at who and what is right in front of you.  . . . your children, each with their own uniqueness, other people in your life, the beauty around you (it may be hard to find, but it’s there if you look for it) and the blessings. Notice it and take if all in. Yes, it takes a bit of work, a change in mindset, but you can find it.

 As we descended the mountain along the trail, we came around a bend to find sparkling untouched snow - not just a small patch, but the whole side of the mountain was covered in glistening snow!! I had to chuckle to myself . . . my husband actually liked “snow camping” something I had never wanted to experience and never did. Here I was with our 3 children now struggling to walk through sinking snow - a new experience and not so easy with full backpacks strapped to our backs. It definitely was an unexpected adventure their dad would have loved.. As their dad used to say, "The adventure begins when you leave the house."

Tip #4 Be open to new experiences                       

Do something new, something that may be an adventure or bring a chuckle to you and your children. Open their eyes to realize . . although hard . .  life can still be go on and be good. If you only focus on “what was”, you can get stuck and unable to move forward. Be open to “what’s around the bend” New experiences - build resilience - new memories. and give hope for a future.

Fortunately we did not have to pitch our tent in the snow. We did find dry ground, we spent two days and nights in the wilderness, caught trout for dinner in the stream, gazed at the starry night and remembered the wonderful memories we had made at this same exact site. We laughed, we were silly and we shared stories. Had my husband not chosen to include his wife and 3 little ones in his love of hiking outdoors, we would not have been there on this 1st Father’s Day without him. 

Tip #5 Remember the memories   

Tell your stories - the blessings of a father’s touch on your life. This is different than being “stuck in the past. It’s an incredible joy to remember precious memories and live in the present. Yes, it can initially be hard and painful but worth it as the benefits far outweigh avoiding the memories as we are often tempted to do.  Your children may need a boost to get started in sharing their “dad” stories. Start off a story with . .”remember when we or when dad” . . . . As mom begins to remember, their memories kick in gear and the blessings begin. 

These tips are not without pain and struggle. It is extremely hard, beyond difficult and even excruciating at times. I urge and plead with you to trudge forward at your own pace and face these difficulties along your grief journey. You do not have to do it alone. I'd love to share some resources with you that have helped me and others. Give me a call for a free phone consultation at 559-577-3994 or email me at patty@counselingfresno.org

GIG (Gals in Growth) - a younger widows group, many with children at home and grown

GriefShare - an educational and support group for those dealing with death of loved ones.

Hinds Hospice - offers various grief groups including “Circle of Friends” for children

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Cold, cloudy, rainy weather or, where I live, dense grey blankets of fog day after day!
The colder months can cause many of us to have low energy, lack motivation, seek comfort of the indoors, eat more carbs and feel down, “winter blues.”  However,  there is a condition that is beyond having the “winter blues” called Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD). 

 "Many people feel sluggish and down because of the weather, but Seasonal Affective Disorder is not the same as the 'winter blues,'" said Blake Casher, DO, psychiatrist and medical director of the geropsychiatric program at McLaren Greater Lansing. "The depression associated with SAD is often severe enough to require treatment."

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real condition that affects many people.  SAD is a biological and psychological condition caused by lack of sunlight, shorten days, and gloomy weather. The reduced light causes a lower production of “feel good” hormones in the brain, less serotonin, dopamine and  circadian rhythms are thrown off. It usually occurs during the winter months and subsides in the spring, although, fewer, there are some occurrences during other seasonal periods. It’s more prevalent the further away from the equator. More women than men are affected, however men are not immune to it. Telling someone with SAD to “Snap out of it” or “Be happy” doesn’t help. They can’t just turn it off.  Symptoms include excessive sleeping, avoidance of others, low self esteem, negative thinking, sadness. Women are diagnosed more with Seasonal Affective Disorder, 4 times as often as men. It is often seen in young adults, but can occur at any age. 

HELPFUL WAYS TO MANAGE SEASONAL DEPRESSION

Light Therapy  Many have found relief from using special lights. Phototherapy treatment does require a one time purchase of special lights and having exposure to the light daily, usually 15 minutes to an hour. 

Go Outside    SAD is about the amount of light we take in daily. Even though it’s cold and cloudy, there are sun rays peaking through that are beneficial.Try to get outside for 10 - 20 minutes to get the benefits of natural light. Mornings are the best time for SAD; however any time will help.

Exercise  Better yet, exercise outside - double the benefit! This does not have to be an hour long exhaustive workout. Bundle up and go for a walk or bike ride. Exercise releases endorphins which are natural “feel good” hormones. 

Therapy   Speaking to a therapist can help you manage SAD. As with clinical depression, a therapist will listen to what you’re dealing with, design a individualized treatment plan and provide tools to help reduce the negative effects of SAD.

Socialize   The last thing you may want to do is be around people. However, adding a social activity or two around positive people or experiences during your week can help lift your mood. Meet with a friend for coffee, attend an event, join a small group. Check your local meetup.com to find an interest group that you may like.

Medication Some may need to go on medication or other supplements. See a doctor that has knowledge of SAD that will work with you to find the best medication/supplements to meet your needs. 

Vitamin D  Research has shown boosting our intake of Vitamin D has been helpful. Exposure to sunlight causes our body to produce Vitamin D. Naturally, lack of sunlight reduces our body’s ability to produce it. Low levels of vitamin D have been linked with depression.

Eat wisely  A unique symptom of SAD is you crave carbohydrates, sweets, starchy foods. Instead, eat complex carbs that will still satisfy the craving. Foods like beans, high fiber grains and brown rice. Add foods rich in omega 3 fatty acids which have been shown to boost serotonin (the chemical in the brain that regulates moods). 

You can get help with Seasonal Depression and feel better. Call me at 559-577-3994 for a free 15 minute consultation to talk further and decide if therapy might be right for you. 

12 Days of Christmas to Survive and Thrive!

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12 Days of Christmas!!!

Ahh! Only 12 more days until Christmas? It caught me off guard too. By now some of the events and holidays happenings are over. Count down is here. Crunch time. A great time to release, restore and remember! 

Release  You can't do it all. Let go of the those things that are "fluff", nice but unnecessary and spend your remaining days doing what matters. Make a"Have To" list, those things that mean the most. For me, that's being with family, having my home inviting (NOT PERFECT) for them and be present with them (NOT spending the majority of my time in the kitchen). Make an "Optional" list, those things that if you have time and feel like it you will do. They're not the most important and will not make or break your holiday time. Now make a  "Let Go" list, those things that you will not do this year. I let go of making a million different types of cookies several years back and have not missed it. 
Release expectations you have of yourself and the "perfect" Christmas. Seeking for perfection will keep you on a never ending cycle and exhausted before, during and after gatherings. Release and simplify. Be in the present, enjoy the moment and the people around you.

Restore  This is the time of season you have more tasks to do, more events and eat more food leaving you stressed and stuffed.
Right now, with 12 days left take a deep breath and plan "down time" to restore. Time at home relaxing, watching a movie, reading a book, eating healthy and getting enough sleep. No time. You can't afford to not take some time.
You're stress meter will be reduced and you will be able to enjoy the holidays.

Remember  You almost can't NOT, (I know double negative), remember memories of past holidays with all your sense being ignited with sights, sounds, smells, sensations and tastes. This can bring up grief for those no longer with you. You may want to try to ignore and push it away. I urge you to embrace the memories, the loved ones and the stories. It will not make your holidays sad; it will add a richness and relief. Some ideas are to tell younger ones stories, make a food that was grandma's tradition, light a candle in memory of loved ones or put special ornaments on a tree.                                                                                                              

Remember the meaning behind Christmas. The "fluff", presents, food and decorations do not really give lasting joy. It's the family, friends, new memories made and for me, it's the birth of Jesus, who came to this earth to overcome death and give us eternal life.

Merry Christmas and May Your Holidays be Filled with Blessings!

Watch for more Tips to Help You Survive & Thrive through the 12 Days of Christmas!